Findings from Salam Watandar’s interviews with 22 mothers whose sons are married show that 15 of them complain that their sons give them less attention, affection, and care after marriage. These mothers report fewer visits, less financial support, and changes in family relationships. In contrast, seven mothers say their sons’ marriages have not affected their relationships. They say their sons continue to show them love and support them as much as they can.
Among the 15 mothers who are dissatisfied with their sons’ behavior, eight say their sons give them less attention and affection and visit them less often. Four say they receive less attention and affection and are also dissatisfied with the financial and other support they receive. The remaining three describe changes in family relationships and their position within the family. They say they feel left out and experience tension in their relationships with their sons and daughters-in-law.
Aziza, a resident of Kabul whose three sons are married, says their behavior and attention toward her have changed since they got married. She says that even when her sons visit, they do not talk to her as much as they used to and spend less time with her.
“After my son got married, he became distant from me, and his behavior changed. His children’s behavior toward me also changed. Although I live separately from my son, I show love and affection to my grandchildren whenever I see them, and I consider myself a kind grandmother. However, they do not have a good relationship with me,” she says.
Nik Bakht, a 47-year-old mother from Nangarhar, has had a similar experience. She says her son’s behavior changed after marriage and that he no longer treats her with the same respect and kindness as he did before.
“After my son got married, his behavior changed, and he no longer treats me as well as he did before. I believe his marriage is one of the reasons for this change. Some daughters-in-law are educated and know about parents’ rights, while others do not. Perhaps my son also has more responsibilities now. Even so, I am dissatisfied with his behavior,” she adds.
These mothers say that they want their sons to give them attention, love, and respect and visit them regularly, rather than provide financial support. They want their sons to continue paying attention to them after marriage and to maintain an emotional bond with them.
Maryam, a resident of Farah, complains that her son’s behavior changed after he got married. She says she needs love, respect, and attention more than anything else. According to her, phone calls and regular visits are valuable to mothers, even without providing financial support.
“More than anything, I want love, respect, and attention. Financial support is also important, but regular phone calls and visits mean a lot to me. Sometimes, a simple phone call from a child can make a mother happy. I believe that marriage does not mean forgetting one’s parents. While building his own independent life, a son should also maintain love, respect, and care for his parents,” she says.
Fatima Bashardost, a mother from Daikundi, also says she wants her son’s love, respect, and attention more than financial support. She emphasizes that children should not neglect their elderly parents while taking responsibility for their own families.
“I expect children to respect their elderly parents and treat them in a way that does not cause them suffering. They should take responsibility for their own lives and families while also caring for us and not forgetting about us. All we want from our children is respect and attention. If they can afford it, providing financial support is also part of their responsibility,” she adds.
Reduced financial support and concerns among elderly mothers
Along with their emotional needs, a number of mothers also complain that their sons provide less financial support after marriage. They say that economic difficulties and the rising cost of living have made life harder, especially for elderly mothers who have lost their husbands.
Bibi Khaal, a 59-year-old mother from Jawzjan, says her husband passed away seven years ago and her sons are unwilling to let her live with them or cover her living expenses. She is ill and says she has to work to meet her basic needs. However, as she gets older, she no longer has the strength she once had.
“I am ill, and as a widow, I face many difficulties. My husband passed away seven years ago. My children live separately and do not support me. When I get sick, there is no one to take me to a doctor. I work and sometimes spin wool, but I am now old and no longer have the strength I used to. I want my children to take care of me and not leave me alone in my old age,” she adds.
Khadija, from Kabul, also says her son does not provide regular financial support and only helps sometimes when she asks. However, she says her main need is not money. She wants her children to make time to visit her and talk with her.
“My children do not provide regular financial support. If I need something and ask them, they sometimes help, but they rarely offer help on their own. Sometimes, they call to check on me and ask if I need anything. However, my main concern is not money. I want them to sit with me, talk to me, ask how I am doing, and pay attention to me. Their love and attention are what make me happy,” she says.
In contrast, seven other mothers interviewed by Salam Watandar say their sons’ marriages have not only reduced the love and respect between them but have also allowed their sons to continue visiting them, caring for them when they are sick, and providing financial support to cover their living expenses.
Fatima, from Herat, says her relationship with her son remains close nearly two years after his marriage and that she is satisfied with his behavior.
“My relationship with my son was good before he got married, and nothing has changed since then. We still have the same mutual respect, closeness, and love as before,” she says.
Rabia, a 45-year-old mother, says that despite her son’s financial difficulties, he continues to support her. He takes her to the doctor when she is sick and helps cover her living expenses.
“My son’s behavior has not changed after he got married. He still pays attention to me, helps me, takes me to the doctor when I am sick, brings me home, and gives me money. My son lives with me, and I am happy about that,” she adds.
Children’s responsibilities toward their parents
A number of religious scholars say that, according to Islamic teachings, showing goodness and care toward parents is a responsibility of children, and marriage does not end this responsibility.
Mohammad Younus Qarizada, a religious scholar, says that children’s marriage does not mean the loss of their responsibility toward their parents. He adds that every child should care for their parents as much as they can. He explains:
“Children have responsibilities toward their parents. God says in the Holy Quran: وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا (Wa bil-wālidaini ihsānan), which means, ‘And be good to your parents.’ Children’s marriage does not mean the loss of their parents’ rights. Children should maintain family ties and support their parents financially and in other ways, as much as they can. Under Islamic law, neglecting parents and ignoring their rights is considered a sin.”
Legal experts also emphasize the importance of supporting parents in need. They say that marriage does not end children’s moral and family responsibilities toward their parents. However, legal responsibilities should be determined according to the applicable laws and the circumstances of each family.
Shogofa Ali Baik, a legal expert, says that if an elderly mother cannot meet her basic needs, her children should contribute to covering her living and medical expenses according to their financial means.
“If an elderly mother is in need, is ill, and cannot meet her basic needs, her children are obliged to support her as much as they can. Marriage does not relieve them of their responsibilities toward their parents. If a child has the financial means, they should help cover essential expenses such as food, housing, and medicine for their mother. This responsibility does not fall on just one child. Every child who can afford to help, whether a son or a daughter, should share this responsibility,” she adds.
Abdul Majid Ilbelgi, a legal expert, also says that under Hanafi jurisprudence, if a mother cannot afford her living expenses, her children who have the financial means are responsible for providing her with alimony, whether they are sons or daughters.
“Under Hanafi jurisprudence, if a mother is poor and in need and does not have enough money or income to cover her living expenses, her children are obligated to provide her with alimony. This responsibility does not fall on sons alone. Daughters who have the financial means are also responsible for providing alimony for their mothers. Alimony includes basic needs such as food, clothing, shelter, daily living expenses, and medical care,” he adds.
Emotional consequences of reduced attention to mothers
Shoaib Ahmadi, a sociologist, says that some sons’ inability to balance their responsibilities toward their new families with those toward their parents can lead them to give their parents less attention and respect after marriage.
“When youth cannot balance their married lives with their responsibilities toward their parents, they often give their parents less attention and respect because they spend more time with their new families. Other factors may also play a role, including a lack of awareness of their responsibilities and of their parents’ position within the family. Some youth ignore their parents’ hard work and fail to appreciate the sacrifices they have made for them. Such attitudes can lead to problems and create distance between parents and their children,” he says.
Psychologists also say that when sons give their mothers less attention and affection after marriage, some mothers may feel lonely, neglected, and emotionally insecure. They emphasize that strengthening family relationships through communication and mutual understanding among family members can help prevent family tensions.
Zuhal Amirzada, a psychologist, says that mothers may feel lonely and neglected after their sons get married because they receive less time and attention from them. She adds that sons may also face difficulties balancing their responsibilities toward their mothers with those toward their new families.
“A mother may feel lonely, neglected, and deeply sad. At the same time, a son may feel under pressure and struggle to balance his responsibilities toward his mother with those toward his new family. If the situation is not managed properly and family members do not communicate effectively, tensions, jealousy, and disputes may develop between the mother, son, and daughter-in-law,” she adds.
Sayed Rohullah Rezwani, another psychologist, also says that it is natural for a mother to miss her son after he gets married. However, mutual care and strengthening emotional bonds within the family can help prevent feelings of abandonment and reduce tension.
He adds that when a mother’s sense of self-worth depends too much on her role as a mother and her relationship with her son, a lack of emotional support from her husband can make it harder for her to adjust to changes in family life.
“If a woman gets all her sense of worth, love, and belonging from being a mother and from her relationship with her son, and does not show herself kindness, she may face emotional challenges. The situation becomes more complex if she also does not receive enough closeness, love, and emotional support from her husband. In such conditions, a mother who bases much of her self-worth on motherhood and her relationship with her son may feel that her value and emotional security are at risk when her son gets married and becomes more distant,” he says.
Meanwhile, officials from the Ministry for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice say that many complaints received by the ministry concern children who disobey their parents or fail to respect their rights. According to the officials, thousands of cases involving children’s disobedience and failure to respect their parents’ rights have been recorded across the country over the past five years.
Saif-ul-Islam Khyber, the ministry’s spokesperson, says the ministry raises public awareness of parents’ rights and children’s responsibilities through awareness programs conducted by its officials (muhtasibs).
“During their daily activities, officials (muhtasibs) raise awareness among youth and other members of society about parents’ rights, how to treat them, and the religious rights of parents that children are obligated to fulfill,” he adds.
The report’s findings show that mothers have different experiences after their sons get married. While some complain of receiving less attention, affection, and financial support, others say they maintain close relationships with their sons after marriage.
Reporter: Zarafshan Sharifi
