KABUL (SW) – Salam Watandar’s findings from interviews with 19 women whose husbands are polygamists show that these women do not have a satisfactory life and have suffered psychological damage from their husbands’ remarriage.
Among the women interviewed in this report, 13 of them are the first wives and the other six are the second wives of their husbands, and none of them are satisfied with their husband’s polygamy. First wives mention trust in their spouses, childlessness and other people’s interference in their lives as reasons for their husbands’ remarriage, and second wives also mention love and ignorance of the man’s first wife as reasons for getting married.
The husband of one of these women, who is a quiet man and does not like his life story to be told in every sitting, talks about the fair treatment between his two wives and said in front of his first wife that he wants to have a third wife as well.
Setera (pseudonym), this man’s wife was sitting next to him and whose looks scream a thousand unspoken words. She is 24 years old, but the weight of responsibilities show her to be 40 years old.
This thin lady, who was holding her child and staring at the red carpet of her living room, said with a throat full of hatred that she was 14 years old when she married her uncle’s son at the request of her father, and at that age, she did not know that she has to face the unfortunate facts of life, give in to her husband’s wishes, keep her man’s bed warm and the lights on in her house.
The teenaged Setara, who was unable to give birth to a child for three years after marriage, said that this made her husband think about remarrying. This woman, who is still apprehensive and whispers and speaks slowly, said that in those days, she was afraid that her husband would leave her. Wiping away her tears, she said that it is difficult for her to remember those days. According to Setare, being a woman is very difficult and women in Afghanistan must always have a master. Because until they are single, their authority is in the hands of their father and brother, and when they get married, their authority is in the hands of their husbands.
Setara said that her father got her married to his nephew in exchange for “a few” afghanis, and because she had no children, her husband was also going to leave her.
In the continuation of her speech, she added that God gave her a child after three years of pain and suffering, and now she has four children, but giving birth to a child did not prevent her husband from remarrying. She said that she does not miss anything as a wife in their life together, but she does not know where she went wrong that his husband went and went to marry another woman.
Setara is not the only woman faced with this dilemma.
In the city of Sheberghan, the center of Jawzjan, lives a 30-year-old woman who said with tears in her eyes that she lived together with her husband for nine years, but she did not have children, so her husband took another wife and threw her out of the house. She added: “I had become a bad person for them, according to his wife, my husband also kicked me out. For now, in return for working in a garden, I receive my daily meals.”
Diana, a 30-year-old resident of Parwan, who is the mother of three children, says that external interventions drove a distance between her and her husband and caused her husband to take another wife. She says that she found out about it during her husband’s engagement with the second woman. Diana added that on the night of her husband’s second wedding, she fainted from the pain and grief and was in the hospital until morning.
Bahare is another woman who is 28 years old and the mother of two boys. She said that her excessive trust in her husband caused her to have a relationship with another woman. Bahare added that her husband had an affair with a married woman, then that woman divorced her first husband and married Bahare’s husband.
34-year-old Zainab, a resident of the city of Faizabad, the center of Badakhshan, said: “I have been married for ten years. At first, our life was good, but I don’t understand why he decided to get married and married without me knowing. Honestly, since I found out, I don’t even bother to look after my children. When I found out that he got married, I cried so much that I no longer feel any life left in me.”
To find answers to these questions, we went to the women who are mentioned in this report as second wives.
Mrs. Nessa, who is 38 years old and married a married man 13 years ago, said: “I fell in love and when he proposed, we got married despite the difference in our religions believes, and after two years when we were coming to Afghanistan, he told me he had a wife. I didn’t know before marriage and I found out when it was too late so I had to cope.”
Farzana Nayab, a tall and pleasant woman who speaks quietly, said that being a second wife is not easy. She is a beautiful and friendly woman who always has a smile on her face and is known by all the locals. Farzana is her husband’s second wife and she married him with the consent of the first wife. She says that people do not have a very positive view of her and she has heard that people called her a housewrecker – a view that has made it difficult for Farzana to live a normal life.
Farzana said: “Of course, it was not my wish alone. In the part where they decided, this was also the family’s wish. The decision was one in which I did not have any role. My husband made many promises for the satisfaction of my family and myself, but after marriage, unfortunately, none of them fulfilled them.”
In addition to these tragedies expressed by women, there are also men who say that having facilities and property has made them choose four wives and ensure justice and equality for all their wives.
One of these men, Mohammad Sarour, who is the father of 12 sons and nine daughters, said that he also advises his sons to take a second wife. He added: “I have three wives who are alive and one of them has died. Yes, I am happy with my life, my boys can go and get it as well. I will not stand behind my sons and I will not prevent them from taking a second wife.”
41-year-old Homayoun Mansouri is the father of six children. He believes that if he can meet the requirements of Islam and Sharia to choose a second wife, he will do so in addition to having the means. He said: “I have a very good and happy life, I am satisfied with my life, but if I have the means and can ensure justice among my women, yes, Islam also says that a man has the right to have up to four wives. That’s why I say that if I have the means and fulfill all their demands in the Islamic framework and my neck is not tied. Yes, I will take another wife.”
However, Shapour Gharibmel, a 35-year-old man who has not yet managed to choose a wife, has a different point of view. He, who is against polygamy, says that a suitable wife with character can be a blessing.
He added: “Any young person who has decided to get married, from my point of view, the best quality in a woman should be honesty. Some consider money, acceptability and other things, but it seems that there should be honesty between them and a person should choose his wife according to his own choice and criteria. If they get married according to their ideas, it will be very good for their lives. They should try to choose their first wife, who wants to marry according to their own criteria, so that they don’t decide to marry a second time.”
At the same time, Zainab Rezaei, a women’s rights activist, says that taking a second wife without a valid excuse and covertly is an open violence against women. She added: “This causes some tension in the house. One of the problems of Afghan people is that they are always thinking of building a family framework, but they do not consider the needs of a woman and a family. They say that in Islam, a man should take four wives, but he should take care of the needs of one woman.”
The remarriage of men is something that is easily accepted by the Afghan society, without taking into account the psychological conditions and harms that are inflicted on women.
Psychologists say that if another woman is a partner in their emotional relationships, the woman’s self-confidence is weakened and it causes psychological problems for women.
Sociologists also say that having multiple wives in an unplanned manner and without a valid reason harms the society in terms of raising children and the economic status of the family.
Idris Wajid, a psychologist, says: “In the first step, it causes the atmosphere of intimacy and empathy of the family to become striped. Secondly, the loss of the sense of trust in each other and thirdly, it causes the loss of individual self-confidence and the disappearance of the motivation to continue living in women. This itself causes an emotional vacuum and in the long run causes depression and acute nervous disorders.”
Ahmed Rashed Sediqi, a university professor and sociologist, said: “Polygamy increases the number of children, and if these children are not raised in the right way and do not learn the right education, they can create problems for the society and lead the society astray. From an economic point of view, it can create more problems.”
On the other hand, religious scholars emphasize the principle of equality between women in matters of polygamy and say that men can have up to four wives if their first wife consents and if they are able to respect equality between women. According to them, there was polygamy among men even before Islam, but Islam has imposed conditions on it.
Ataullah Anas, a religious scholar, says: “If we cannot provide justice, we should be satisfied with one wife. The conditions set by Islam for polygamy are not simple conditions. For example, an independent life for both women, an independent house for both women, taking care of housing, clothing and food independently for each of them.”
Noor Aqa Shoaib, a lawyer, says that according to the effective laws of Afghanistan, men do not need the permission and knowledge of their ex-wife to remarry, and they only need to have the financial ability to have a new wife. He added: “Therefore, if a man observes and is able to do all these issues, he can get married for the second and third time. Otherwise, this situation is related to conditional principles and it is not allowed to refer to it.”
Despite all this, Mohammad Akif Mohajer, the spokesman of the Ministry of Promotion of Virtues of Prohibition of Evil, while emphasizing that the structure of family formation is based on the principles of Hanafi jurisprudence and religion, said that if men have the ability to ensure justice between spouses, they can remarry. He said there is nothing wrong with it. He adds: “Some scholars are of the opinion that polygamy is recommended. And is it possible if a man cannot meet his needs with a wife. But in general, polygamy is permissible. And it is negating the opinion of the common people who say that polygamy is a tradition.”
It should be mentioned that in the republican system, there was a lot of discussion in the parliament to solve the problems of men’s remarriage, and a number of the public representatives tried to ban polygamy, and some wanted to set clear and fundamental preconditions for it. But all these discussions in the previous system did not lead to a tangible result, and now men can freely choose multiple wives regardless of the preconditions of remarriage.
ENDS
